when you want to stay in your comfort zone but also want to try new things and experiment.
might as well just dye my hair blue okay.
This is going to be a bit long and probably a tad too honest but I need to get it off my chest once and for all.
My life revolved around drawing and creating for the past few years. And while other aspects of it weren’t always as good, this was going well. Art was my Thing. But then life happened, both in a good and bad way and everything turned upside down. When I look back I think I was the most productive and creative when I wasn’t really very happy, or when I didn’t care to be. For a while I was just going with the flow and I didn’t bother to make my life better in any other way so I focused all my time and energy on improving my art. Apparently it worked.
Okay but then you grow and change, you find happiness again, you get to know yourself a bit better, and you find more things that you get excited about so it’s not just your art anymore. So what do you do then?
How do I find the balance between working as a full-time artist, drawing for fun, actually improving my art skills, working on my portfolio and also doing other things that I love? How am I supposed to sit and draw for fun in the evening, when I’ve spent most of my day drawing for work? How do I keep that shitty little spark alive?
Lately I discovered how much I actually love music and I want to do that too, I want it to be a part of my life. But I feel like the joy I get from playing the guitar has replaced the joy I used to get from drawing for myself, and I’m having mixed feelings about this.
I’m not really enjoying art anymore. There’s too much pressure and it became an obligation, so now whenever I get the chance to do something else – I do something else. I avoid art. I scroll through art on my FB feed so quickly. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to think about it if it’s not during my working hours. And not even then.
But that’s not who I am really and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’ve lost something along the way and I want to get it back but I also want to keep all these cool new things that came on its place. I want to be inspired and creative but I also want to be happy and do other stuff as well.
I honestly feel as if I’m slowly losing myself or something, and like I’m not trying hard enough. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Guess I’m not the only one struggling with this but still, I really thought I had it figured out.
But I don’t know, maybe the thing I actually need to change is my mindset. Maybe it’s okay not to draw 24/7 and maybe, just maybe the world won’t fucking stop if I don’t devote 900% of my existence to art. Maybe it’s not all about being crazy good at one thing and not doing anything else, but rather about actually enjoying the ride and stuff, I don’t know. Maybe that’s what they mean when they say it’s not a competition. But then again you’re too young and stupid to accept the fact that you don’t have to be the best at something, and that it’s actually okay not to be. Because nobody gives a fuck really.